...Unless Uncle Tony gets your age wrong, you get a 21st card a year early and suddenly we've got a definate topic of conversation for Christmas Eve.

Speaking of cards, just to clarify, you didn't put anything in mine, did you? I'm not upset. Honest! It's just it wasn't sealed when it arrived and mother mentioned about checking with you just in case.

Anyhoo... Post Sissy-Poo's christmas visit. And I'm glad she's gone because she's been a self-absorbed bint and she's proper given mother the run-around this weekend. I'll spare you the details because it confuses me just trying to type it up...

But she also had a guilt-trip/go at me because I'm refusing to go with Dad to see Ken Dodd on my birthday. Because:

• I was a complete after-thought.
• Didn't even realise the clash until Mother brought it up.
• He'd brought masses of tickets for his darling bowling club.
• Half of them have pulled out, so he's got loads spare.
• And I'm expected to make up the numbers because he's been a great big gormless twat?!

Not a hope in hell.

I'm constantly an afterthought. Everyone is always an addition to his plans, to whatever he wants to do. No effort on his part. Even in the rare off-chance he does do something new, he goes on second-hand, gleamed and out-of-date information without bothering to check and wonders why he gets blank looks and vague nodding.

Luckily I'm too busy to really do anything with anybody. So if he tries to guilt trip me for pandering to his gentle, precious feelings I have a valid reason with the added bonus of sticking to my guns.

*sigh*

I do love a late night rant.

Speak soon.

- J.

Where My Arse is Parked: Chair.
How I feel: cynical
Flooding My Ears With: Blue States. 'Allies' and 'Season Song'.

Mother: Nursie's advertising in the Express and Star.

Me: You wha?

Mother: *reading from newspaper* Nurse, 33, Fun, Lively, GSOH, Red Hair...

Me: *pause* She lives in Australia. Why would she be... In Walsall? Fucking hell mother, you ain't half senile.

Speaking of which, she's just relayed it to me that she nearly paid twice at ' chippeh.

Mom: How much do I owe ya, love?
Cashier: You've already paid.
Mom: I wondered where that tenner went.
*demented laughing*

*rolls eyes*

Anyway M. Chapon... Not heard from you in long time. Hope you're okay. We're possibly, no she's definately, I'm possibly making the run up to Bradders on Friday to take christmas trees and presents and bring back Her Poppet-ness and Konk ready for them to go see Slipknot before they go back because he's only got a few days off. Which is a shame because part of me wouldn't have minded having them knocking about this christmas.

I have cold. I got full marks on a Stanislavski and Brecht Project which is all about deeper technique and stuff and according to tutors I've been going into everything really full on now and giving everything a go. And I give good woman. Apparently. But I get the slight feeling of... You know how you can be in an airplane, and everythings fine... And then you realise that you can't hear the engines anymore and your just waiting for that freefalling sound to start... I keep feeling like that might be happening. I don't know why.

But yeah. I hope everything is okay your end. Give my love to wife and un wunderkind. I'm sorry that I've not been able to come bother you. Please don't take it personally because all non-college relationships are suffering atm. I've not really talked to friends and whenever I'm not at college I'm usually catching up on me time so I don't break down or doing outside work toward college and I'm terrible and I suck and I'm so sorry.

I'm assuming I'll hear from you soon. Given the monumental milestone coming up the Sunday after next which is depressing people all round and I'm assuming that you'll be no different. And if I don't, and I won't be annoyed because you of all people have one massive wriggly little reason to be a little bit off-kilter and out of step and I really don't mind. Seriously. Just you focus on yourselves and I'll either see you Xmas Eve or I'll have to come poke you at some point early '09.

Kisses.

- Jonneh.

Where My Arse is Parked: Where dya think?
How I feel: restless
Flooding My Ears With: The sound of Steve Guttenberg flogging numerous, long-dead horses... (+ Muse)

1) Thanks to an out-of-the-blue moment of attentiveness, Mother, c/o This Morning, got me the ammunition to finally get a reasonable shot at a name and details on the Arnold Blue Bumps:

Glomuvenous Malformation.

It's apparently a genetic defect on the first chromosome or something of the like. And the girl on This Morning had it SO much worse than any of us. She had massive patches across her chest and some around her eyes, so they look really puffy.

The only problem is there are so many possibilities and variations it's really hard to diagnose without sending a biopsy to the Netherlands.

But it seems reasonable enough. Mother noticed the Mother of Puffy-Eye Girl had a patch on her wrist exactly like the one Dad has on his arm. So, it'll do.

2) I've been cast in our groups production of 'Menopause: The Musical' 'Mamma Mia!' as Harry (The Dad played by Colin Firth). I can barely contain my excitement.

3) Senility has set in.

And that's about it, really... Except half-term joy and such...

Peace and Love, Peace and Love. Oh, and no more fan mail... Warning you with Peace and Love...

*cough*dick*cough*

- Joe-Nathan and their three brothers.

Where My Arse is Parked: Where d'ya think?
How I feel: content
Flooding My Ears With: The New Bond Theme...

This man is a Hack:
http://us.imdb.com/name/nm0093051/

Uwe Boll seems to get handed movies on a plate. In particular, Video Game to Movie Projects with obscenely large budgets. And he is ATROCIOUS. Half a dozen of his projects populate the IMDb Bottom 100, the lowest reaching 30.

His response to the heavy criticism? He challenges them to boxing matches. Seriously. Apparently hitting people in the head makes you a better director. Like stabbing someone with a block of cheese grants you a Doctorate in Astrophysics and a job at NASA... Shame no one told Hitchcock, a few tries of ABH may have won him an Oscar.

Then he said this:
http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/movies/a93198/boll-to-quit-films-with-1-million-signatures.html

Here's the Petition:
http://www.petitiononline.com/RRH53888/petition.html

Four days ago, it was 18,000. Then the news broke, and it's been bolstered to near 90,000.

Do us a favour a spread the link around...

Where My Arse is Parked: Usual + Daytime TV
How I feel: Confrontational
Flooding My Ears With: Exit Music - Radiohead Tribute CD

So... It's been a while again... For the sake of convenience, I'm making use of the LJ cut feature... It may be a bit of a slog, but considering how few and far between my posts have been... And how much there is to cover, I think I can be forgiven.


Hopefully I'm not going to go to bed later, and then wake up and suddenly have a nervous breakdown...

And on that bombshell... I'm off to be sued by the Top Gear for plagiarism.

*peace out*

- Johnnykins

Where My Arse is Parked: Usual, plus Brian Blessed on BBC Breakfast
How I feel: contemplative
Flooding My Ears With: Radiohead - Reckoner

So... LJ's getting a little edgey about the fact that I haven't posted recently... It keeps offering me fun little suggestions and random little tidbits that might inspire me...

Bollocks to them...

I think I'll just leave a tiny little factoid that has amused me recently:

"John Fashanu is now presenting the Nigerian version of Deal Or No Deal."

Hope that tickled you like it did me...

Oh, and I finally got around to applying for college, so... *Yay Me!*

Where My Arse is Parked: The Usual... + Guests
How I feel: contemplative
Flooding My Ears With: None... Sadly... ;-;

I just got a message from a friend, saying another, really good friend, has been mugged.

And here's me having a fliddy little day off because of a mini-cold and DST-lag. Fuck. Fuck.

FUCK

I feel like shit right now and so guilty. I need to go see her. DAMN this laptop and not having MSN working.

Slight update for the benefit of kristiaaaan (Switch to Rich Text formatting when typing out an entry and the magic telly-typewriter box combination will make it easy for you. :P )

Mom's been signed off and can work on her own now. Yay for her. She also got a nice call on thursday from Manchester, and her and Ros had a bit of a natter, relating tales of you and pop, whilst seamlessly putting me down and destroying self-esteem with all the skill of an old yiddish woman/mother, to the point where I'm convinced the Wells side are lapsed Jews (it would explain my nose). But, apparently youngest Pilk is in the same boat as me... So I'm kind of glad I'm not the only one.

And I'm actually contemplating Drama more and more these days. The play I helped another friend (Steph) write, that has been on and off for i think a year now, is up again, and well under way.

First rehearsal was on Friday at the Alumwell. About six cast members, but Steph's kicking people into touch, considering we perform early June. Ten Weeks. Keep your diary free as I'll be inviting family to watch.

We nearly stalled again when it came to rehearsal space (Easter holiday soon means no Alumwell for two/three weeks), but St. John's Church on Scarborough Road rents out hall space. £15 for three hours. £150 for thirty, taking us up to the performance date. Money issues have/will be pretty much sorted. As will my slight guilt about cheaping out on RND and CIN this year. Leaving the profit share money for props and theater space, should we need it.

I think that's everything. I always seem to spill my guts when on here now... It's slightly worrying...

Pop's still as scarce as ever, Dad's still appearing every so often. And second thursday of Easter I should be going to Landan to do the Imperial War Museum for the English course.

Happy Days. Or Not. Talk at you soon...

- Jon

Where My Arse is Parked: Living Room
How I feel: guilty
Flooding My Ears With: Sopranoes Theme Tune / Bright Eyes - Four Winds

Courtesy of popbitch:

"Christ was born in Scotland last year. So was a Yuk, a Panda and a Rino, plus three Princesses. Oh, and a B-Jay. He's a boy:

http://www.gro-scotland.gov.uk/files1/stats/pop-names-06-t4.pdf "

Trust the bloody scots. I can remember going through in the art room at school and declaring "Jesus Christ, someone called their kid 'Maxim'!" and then looking through it for Playboy's and FHM's...

Dare you add Osama to the Midlands list? Or are you going wimp out and break it down into Oliver Samuel Alexander/Olivia Samantha Alexandra Clark..?

Enjoy.

Tags: roger/rogina
Where My Arse is Parked: In my Room, Watching Bald Women on This Morning
How I feel: accomplished
Flooding My Ears With: Scooch's Eurovision Shit-fest, not by choice.

Okay, so here's the deal, find out how you will be arrested, the Google way. Go to Google, type "(your FIRST name) was arrested for" and see what you got sent to the slammer for. Remember to use the quotations marks, or else it won't work.

(I'll save you most of the stupidity with this handy new technique)

1. Kevin was arrested for cocaine possession.
2. Sam was arrested for crossing the boarder!
3. Marian was arrested on suspicion of fatal shooting in jealous rage. (lameee)
4. Cheuk was arrested for a drug operation.
5. Joselyn was arrested for driving while license invalid.
6. victoria was arrested for trespassing
7. Sophie was arrested for distributing anti-Nazi pamphlets
8. Annelise was arrested for shoplifting.
9. Felicia was arrested for killing Jason. (Cause you know I'm a Freddy fan. xD)
10. Alexis was arrested for attempted murder (rofl)
11.Katrina was arrested for her part in the burglary (ppffffft thats it?)
12. Mallory was arrested for murder.
13. Keri was arrested for protesting the Vietnam War.
14. David was arrested for puncing out a cop.
15. Karl was arrested for public intoxication.
16. Asher was arrested for failure to identify himself to a police
officer
17. Tony was arrested for leading a march against the invasion of Iraq through Plymouth city centre.
18. Kelly was arrested for shoplifting, theft, prostitution, obstructing police and failing to appear in court.
19. Cassandra was arrested on charges of impersonating a professional wrestler in Mexico (what?!!?!?!)
20. Why was Allen arrested? No one has any clue. But if we had to hazard a guess, we’d say it was a frame-up by a corrupt county commissioner.
21. Brittany was arrested for drunk driving
22. Jake was arrested for causing Shane's death
23. Geoff was arrested for jaywalking
24. Allee- arrested after blocking the path of trucks hauling a batch of electric cars to be destroyed
25. Angela~ arrested after a fight over a bathroom stall (lol)
26.jeremy~got caught with his pants down and arrested
27. Tarica wasn't arrested........yet.
28. Ann was arrested for sniffing glue (LOL, you outa see all the other things I was arrested for LOL)
29. Porsha was arrested for war crimes...lol . yeah right! Don't know me very well.
( *Cut* )
60. Anna-Marie was arrested for sleeping on a park bench wearing nothing but a tiara....
61. SuziQ was arrested for Assault and Battery with a mop...
62. Amanda was arrested for slashing Benjamin’s tires


All those varied, crappy results of murder, violence and drunken-ness. And what do i go and get?

63. Jonathan was arrested for providing classified information to Israel.

Quite possibly the most intelligent and internationally serious thing on the list. Next to Numbers 7, 13, 17 and 29.

Go me!

Tags: meme
Where My Arse is Parked: Home
How I feel: accomplished
Flooding My Ears With: Klaxons - Atlantis to Interzone (Courtesy of MTV2)

Well, after being mooned by several hundred praying muslims (twice), courtesy of the early morning dual feed of BBC News 24 on One, and then being confronted by an un-naturally ripped Harry Potter Torso shot on BBC Breakfast, I felt inspired to post in this ole thing.

Don't ask why. If I was aware of how my cognitive thought processes functioned, I wouldn't be sitting around here typing insipid drivel. I'd be out their doing something worthwhile.

...

*insert deep cynical laughter here*

...

So... What to tell you?

Um... My room's been improved upon. My massive Muse poster is up, as well as a few lesser ones. Momma's velcro-ing technique was okay, but things were misplaced and in an attempt to move them, I got pulled paint off the wall and got a bit stressed out.

Cue Momma's now-instantaneous derisive insult reflexes. So I went downstairs to get out of her way, have a bit of a cry and go back up to finish up and get her out of my room.

I've begun to realize that she's never been the wonder that I've always thought her to be... She was merely the lesser of two evils with more people to take shit out on. Come back Kris! All is forgiven!

(Not a bloody chance in hell)

Um... Yay for Muse's Brit. Best bit of the night, followed by T'Artics Costumed Acceptance Speeches, brightening up a bit of a damp squib of a night. I didn't know whether to laugh or sneer at Joss Stone making a complete tit out of herself, so I did both. And Keith Allen seems to have destroyed any credibility for himself with that Embarrassing Dad(TM) speech... Not that he had much left after Robin Hood.

Ashley Jensen was pretty darn good on the Friday Night project, although the whole thing did seem a bit more subdued than normal. Nice to know Fur-Face isn't as funny as he likes to make out.

And I must say the image of Beth Ditto, the big, fat lesbian lead singer of the Gossip kissing her bingo-biceps and shouting "Watch out Kate, Momma's coming" in an authentic southern accent will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Heroes is starting tonight on Sci-Fi... Anybody with terrestrial, it'll be on the Beeb around the time of Doctor Who, so make sure to look out for it. I've watched at US Pace courtesy of the net, and it is pretty good. Like X-Men, sans Spandex and Heavy Leather Costumes.

I must stop talking about TV... Must go start battening down the hatches before the storm gets in...

And before you ask: Nope... Nothing Meteorological...

My darling sister is back from Bradford to do washing.

Although the joke's on her, Momma's away on a training course for three days and she'll have to do it herself! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Downside: She'll be snapping about my heels, and with limited rations too. She had the decency to inform us Sunday afternoon, AFTER the shops had shut, that she was making the journey.

*promptly drops everything*

Talk to y'all soon.

- J.

Where My Arse is Parked: Watching Nigel Slater Out-food-sex Nigella... *shudder*
How I feel: distressed
Flooding My Ears With: Noisettes - Iwe