The Wonderful World of Johnny Fish'n'Chips

You're only Twenty-One once...

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 00:56:31 GMT

...Unless Uncle Tony gets your age wrong, you get a 21st card a year early and suddenly we've got a definate topic of conversation for Christmas Eve.

Speaking of cards, just to clarify, you didn't put anything in mine, did you? I'm not upset. Honest! It's just it wasn't sealed when it arrived and mother mentioned about checking with you just in case.

Anyhoo... Post Sissy-Poo's christmas visit. And I'm glad she's gone because she's been a self-absorbed bint and she's proper given mother the run-around this weekend. I'll spare you the details because it confuses me just trying to type it up...

But she also had a guilt-trip/go at me because I'm refusing to go with Dad to see Ken Dodd on my birthday. Because:

I was a complete after-thought.
Didn't even realise the clash until Mother brought it up.
He'd brought masses of tickets for his darling bowling club.
Half of them have pulled out, so he's got loads spare.
And I'm expected to make up the numbers because he's been a great big gormless twat?!

Not a hope in hell.

I'm constantly an afterthought. Everyone is always an addition to his plans, to whatever he wants to do. No effort on his part. Even in the rare off-chance he does do something new, he goes on second-hand, gleamed and out-of-date information without bothering to check and wonders why he gets blank looks and vague nodding.

Luckily I'm too busy to really do anything with anybody. So if he tries to guilt trip me for pandering to his gentle, precious feelings I have a valid reason with the added bonus of sticking to my guns.

*sigh*

I do love a late night rant.

Speak soon.

- J.

Mamon Spectaculare...

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 00:47:58 GMT

Mother: Nursie's advertising in the Express and Star.

Me: You wha?

Mother: *reading from newspaper* Nurse, 33, Fun, Lively, GSOH, Red Hair...

Me: *pause* She lives in Australia. Why would she be... In Walsall? Fucking hell mother, you ain't half senile.

Speaking of which, she's just relayed it to me that she nearly paid twice at ' chippeh.

Mom: How much do I owe ya, love?
Cashier: You've already paid.
Mom: I wondered where that tenner went.
*demented laughing*

*rolls eyes*

Anyway M. Chapon... Not heard from you in long time. Hope you're okay. We're possibly, no she's definately, I'm possibly making the run up to Bradders on Friday to take christmas trees and presents and bring back Her Poppet-ness and Konk ready for them to go see Slipknot before they go back because he's only got a few days off. Which is a shame because part of me wouldn't have minded having them knocking about this christmas.

I have cold. I got full marks on a Stanislavski and Brecht Project which is all about deeper technique and stuff and according to tutors I've been going into everything really full on now and giving everything a go. And I give good woman. Apparently. But I get the slight feeling of... You know how you can be in an airplane, and everythings fine... And then you realise that you can't hear the engines anymore and your just waiting for that freefalling sound to start... I keep feeling like that might be happening. I don't know why.

But yeah. I hope everything is okay your end. Give my love to wife and un wunderkind. I'm sorry that I've not been able to come bother you. Please don't take it personally because all non-college relationships are suffering atm. I've not really talked to friends and whenever I'm not at college I'm usually catching up on me time so I don't break down or doing outside work toward college and I'm terrible and I suck and I'm so sorry.

I'm assuming I'll hear from you soon. Given the monumental milestone coming up the Sunday after next which is depressing people all round and I'm assuming that you'll be no different. And if I don't, and I won't be annoyed because you of all people have one massive wriggly little reason to be a little bit off-kilter and out of step and I really don't mind. Seriously. Just you focus on yourselves and I'll either see you Xmas Eve or I'll have to come poke you at some point early '09.

Kisses.

- Jonneh.

General Update-ish-ness

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 18:39:12 GMT

1) Thanks to an out-of-the-blue moment of attentiveness, Mother, c/o This Morning, got me the ammunition to finally get a reasonable shot at a name and details on the Arnold Blue Bumps:

Glomuvenous Malformation.

It's apparently a genetic defect on the first chromosome or something of the like. And the girl on This Morning had it SO much worse than any of us. She had massive patches across her chest and some around her eyes, so they look really puffy.

The only problem is there are so many possibilities and variations it's really hard to diagnose without sending a biopsy to the Netherlands.

But it seems reasonable enough. Mother noticed the Mother of Puffy-Eye Girl had a patch on her wrist exactly like the one Dad has on his arm. So, it'll do.

2) I've been cast in our groups production of '~~Menopause: The Musical'~~ 'Mamma Mia!' as Harry (The Dad played by Colin Firth). I can barely contain my excitement.

3) Senility has set in.

And that's about it, really... Except half-term joy and such...

Peace and Love, Peace and Love. Oh, and no more fan mail... Warning you with Peace and Love...

*cough*dick*cough*

- Joe-Nathan and their three brothers.

This is my Pennbury:

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 09:40:19 GMT

This man is a Hack:
http://us.imdb.com/name/nm0093051/

Uwe Boll seems to get handed movies on a plate. In particular, Video Game to Movie Projects with obscenely large budgets. And he is ATROCIOUS. Half a dozen of his projects populate the IMDb Bottom 100, the lowest reaching 30.

His response to the heavy criticism? He challenges them to boxing matches. Seriously. Apparently hitting people in the head makes you a better director. Like stabbing someone with a block of cheese grants you a Doctorate in Astrophysics and a job at NASA... Shame no one told Hitchcock, a few tries of ABH may have won him an Oscar.

Then he said this:
http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/movies/a93198/boll-to-quit-films-with-1-million-signatures.html

Here's the Petition:
http://www.petitiononline.com/RRH53888/petition.html

Four days ago, it was 18,000. Then the news broke, and it's been bolstered to near 90,000.

Do us a favour a spread the link around...

blows the dust off

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 10:31:51 GMT

So... It's been a while again... For the sake of convenience, I'm making use of the LJ cut feature... It may be a bit of a slog, but considering how few and far between my posts have been... And how much there is to cover, I think I can be forgiven.

My last entry spoke of applying for college... It's now end of the second term. 7 entered, 4 more came, then 7 gradually disappeared leaving us with three regulars and one who flits in and out. Over the course of those two terms I've performed in one dance show, spectacularly missed another by a millimeter, sold tickets for two different shows, butted heads with (ACTING) Principal whilst working the doors on the latter, and managed to do one actual dramatic performance of our own.

However, it's also been filled with SO MUCH HARD GRAFT... The amount of heavy lifting, woodwork, electrical based things... So much for my brothers darling idea of the course being 'Performing Arts & Bumming.'

So, yeah... Next term is going to be working toward the big performance for our group, supplemented with the third years who've so generously stepped in to do the chorus work for us. Should be a laugh, considering most of them came in and dropped out of Steph's play so spectacularly... It's so nice to have history with these people.

Speaking of history, I've also long left Somerfield... Which is actually a blessing, it seems everyone with any sense has long abandoned that sinking ship... I went in a few days ago and it was a MESS... So yeah... I stand by my decision.

Heh, this'll make you laugh. Dad wanted me to go bowling with him and a load of his work mates plus a few of their boys... He's not liking the fact that we rarely do any real father/son bonding and tried so amazingly hard to try and get me to come with him.

Me, Stewie Griffin on some sort of hallucinogen, going bowling with daddy and the blokes WHG. I'M REALLY GOING TO FIT IN THERE, AREN'T I?

I graciously bowed out, waxing shitical with any sort of excuse that I could form... I'm a bit hesitant to form any sort of bond with him... Given the topics of conversations that may need to be had at the not-to-distant future... Oh boy, are those going to be fun...

You know what I mean, Hatty...

I have honestly come close to getting it all sorted with you and Fluffy but I can never find the right moment, despite the occasionally blatant nudgenudgewinkwinking on your part... You know, that restaurant car park, the meal when you pair told me you were trying to for what would later become our little Frankie, which we drove past that abomination Keith Vaz lives in to get to... The whole "You can talk to us about ANYTHING..." Well I kind of didn't realize properly / over-thought the situation and by the time I thought truly about it the moment had passed.

Anyway... Yeah, there's a bit more too it and it's not as obvious as you may think it'd be at first. So I think the actual details may need to be sorted out in person, so hopefully we can arrange a time without the parents present.

Didn't expect to read that, did ya?

Sorry about the circumstances, I hope you don't mind that the subject is first being broached on LJ, but if it's any consolation your the first person that I've willingly offered the subject up to... Though I can't begin to count the numerous times Bobby-kins tried to play concerned big brother and push it... Fuck him, I've got the real thing, even though it's taken a while for me to come around to talking about it...

Hopefully I'm not going to go to bed later, and then wake up and suddenly have a nervous breakdown...

And on that bombshell... I'm off to be sued by the Top Gear for plagiarism.

*peace out*

- Johnnykins

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 22:19:15 GMT

So... LJ's getting a little edgey about the fact that I haven't posted recently... It keeps offering me fun little suggestions and random little tidbits that might inspire me...

Bollocks to them...

I think I'll just leave a tiny little factoid that has amused me recently:

"John Fashanu is now presenting the Nigerian version of Deal Or No Deal."

Hope that tickled you like it did me...

Oh, and I finally got around to applying for college, so... *Yay Me!*

I should check my e-mails more...

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 23:17:46 GMT

I just got a message from a friend, saying another, really good friend, has been mugged.

And here's me having a fliddy little day off because of a mini-cold and DST-lag. Fuck. Fuck.

FUCK

I feel like shit right now and so guilty. I need to go see her. DAMN this laptop and not having MSN working.

Slight update for the benefit of kristiaaaan (Switch to Rich Text formatting when typing out an entry and the magic telly-typewriter box combination will make it easy for you. :P )

Mom's been signed off and can work on her own now. Yay for her. She also got a nice call on thursday from Manchester, and her and Ros had a bit of a natter, relating tales of you and pop, whilst seamlessly putting me down and destroying self-esteem with all the skill of an old yiddish woman/mother, to the point where I'm convinced the Wells side are lapsed Jews (it would explain my nose). But, apparently youngest Pilk is in the same boat as me... So I'm kind of glad I'm not the only one.

And I'm actually contemplating Drama more and more these days. The play I helped another friend (Steph) write, that has been on and off for i think a year now, is up again, and well under way.

First rehearsal was on Friday at the Alumwell. About six cast members, but Steph's kicking people into touch, considering we perform early June. Ten Weeks. Keep your diary free as I'll be inviting family to watch.

We nearly stalled again when it came to rehearsal space (Easter holiday soon means no Alumwell for two/three weeks), but St. John's Church on Scarborough Road rents out hall space. £15 for three hours. £150 for thirty, taking us up to the performance date. Money issues have/will be pretty much sorted. As will my slight guilt about cheaping out on RND and CIN this year. Leaving the profit share money for props and theater space, should we need it.

I think that's everything. I always seem to spill my guts when on here now... It's slightly worrying...

Pop's still as scarce as ever, Dad's still appearing every so often. And second thursday of Easter I should be going to Landan to do the Imperial War Museum for the English course.

Happy Days. Or Not. Talk at you soon...

- Jon

For My 'Darling' Brother... A Laugh and a Half...

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 11:07:37 GMT

Courtesy of popbitch:

"Christ was born in Scotland last year. So was a Yuk, a Panda and a Rino, plus three Princesses. Oh, and a B-Jay. He's a boy:

http://www.gro-scotland.gov.uk/files1/stats/pop-names-06-t4.pdf "

Trust the bloody scots. I can remember going through in the art room at school and declaring "Jesus Christ, someone called their kid 'Maxim'!" and then looking through it for Playboy's and FHM's...

Dare you add Osama to the Midlands list? Or are you going wimp out and break it down into Oliver Samuel Alexander/Olivia Samantha Alexandra Clark..?

Enjoy.

Silly Meme thing

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 13:51:25 GMT

Okay, so here's the deal, find out how you will be arrested, the Google way. Go to Google, type "(your FIRST name) was arrested for" and see what you got sent to the slammer for. Remember to use the quotations marks, or else it won't work.

(I'll save you most of the stupidity with this handy new technique)

1. Kevin was arrested for cocaine possession.
2. Sam was arrested for crossing the boarder!
3. Marian was arrested on suspicion of fatal shooting in jealous rage. (lameee)
4. Cheuk was arrested for a drug operation.
5. Joselyn was arrested for driving while license invalid.
6. victoria was arrested for trespassing
7. Sophie was arrested for distributing anti-Nazi pamphlets
8. Annelise was arrested for shoplifting.
9. Felicia was arrested for killing Jason. (Cause you know I'm a Freddy fan. xD)
10. Alexis was arrested for attempted murder (rofl)
11.Katrina was arrested for her part in the burglary (ppffffft thats it?)
12. Mallory was arrested for murder.
13. Keri was arrested for protesting the Vietnam War.
14. David was arrested for puncing out a cop.
15. Karl was arrested for public intoxication.
16. Asher was arrested for failure to identify himself to a police
officer
17. Tony was arrested for leading a march against the invasion of Iraq through Plymouth city centre.
18. Kelly was arrested for shoplifting, theft, prostitution, obstructing police and failing to appear in court.
19. Cassandra was arrested on charges of impersonating a professional wrestler in Mexico (what?!!?!?!)
20. Why was Allen arrested? No one has any clue. But if we had to hazard a guess, we’d say it was a frame-up by a corrupt county commissioner.
21. Brittany was arrested for drunk driving
22. Jake was arrested for causing Shane's death
23. Geoff was arrested for jaywalking
24. Allee- arrested after blocking the path of trucks hauling a batch of electric cars to be destroyed
25. Angela~ arrested after a fight over a bathroom stall (lol)
26.jeremy~got caught with his pants down and arrested
27. Tarica wasn't arrested........yet.
28. Ann was arrested for sniffing glue (LOL, you outa see all the other things I was arrested for LOL)
29. Porsha was arrested for war crimes...lol . yeah right! Don't know me very well.
30.Tammie was arrested for possession of marijuana...Not since 1985...lol
31.Crystal was arrested for petty theft.
32.Deana- was arrested for domestic violence. So what bitch! [Yup Im Crazy Like That Dont Wanna Date Me....]
33. Leroy-get arrested for cheating on his girlfriend with her Sister..
33. Ryan was arrested for stealing underwear from the black flag store...
34 *AJ was arrested for prostitution ;)
35. "TIFFANY was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon"
36. Jeanette was arrested for packing a turtle, while wearing a red G-string
37. Kana - was arrested in Buda for attempting to meet a 13 year old girl for sex...(wow, I think #36 would be more like me!)
38. Stephanie was arrested for the first time in her life.
39. Jill was arrested when she violated a custody order concerning Phillip IV, Nina's son, and again when it was learned that it was her gun that shot Victor.
40.Travis was arrested for indecency in twelve states and three Canadian provinces after his brief encounter with TPS
41. Charles was arrested for murdering and robbing scores of tourist....hahahaha
42. Antonia was arrested for attempted robbery in the third degree
43. Miss Savannah was arrested for murdering her ex-boyfriend. WOW.
44. STEVEN WAS ARRESTED FOR A DUI....GO F***IN FIGURE!!! ")
45. Madeleine was arrested for the murder of her lover. wow. just. wow.
46. Doll got arrested to for NOT being drunk at a party. lol :)
47. Evelyn was arrested for murder after local children in Hamilton, Ontario found the torso of her missing estranged husband. The head and limbs had been sawed from his body and evidence that they had been burned in the furnace of her home later surfaced. Damn!!!!
48. Lucy was arrested for kidnapping Serena, and finally had to admit where she had been and that she was pregnant. ...
49. Nay was arrested for possession of over 100 uppers and downers whilst driving with a buddy. They were going to sell them and use the money for a breast enlargment. (like I need
50. louise was arrested for firing a gun at new years party
51.Mel was arrested for drug connections
52. Amanda was arrested for possession of meth
53. Simon was arrested for assaulting a sausage!!
54. Stevie was arrested for stealing $475 worth of ladies underwear
55. jules was arrested for murders.....(oops)
56. David was arrested for no discernible reason
57. Alison was arrested for Kevin's (no that's not the name of the guy up the road!) murder, and Jamal found hotshot attorney Kate Reynolds to defend her.
58. Ian was arrested after an on stage scuffle with a fan...
59.Stacey was arrested for assaulting Lena Akesson, when she found Akesson with Stacey's trainer (and live-in boyfriend) Luis ...
60. Anna-Marie was arrested for sleeping on a park bench wearing nothing but a tiara....
61. SuziQ was arrested for Assault and Battery with a mop...
62. Amanda was arrested for slashing Benjamin’s tires

All those varied, crappy results of murder, violence and drunken-ness. And what do i go and get?

63. Jonathan was arrested for providing classified information to Israel.

Quite possibly the most intelligent and internationally serious thing on the list. Next to Numbers 7, 13, 17 and 29.

Go me!

Well... It's a sensible time, shame I've been up for thirteen hours before hand...

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 10:19:53 GMT

Well, after being mooned by several hundred praying muslims (twice), courtesy of the early morning dual feed of BBC News 24 on One, and then being confronted by an un-naturally ripped Harry Potter Torso shot on BBC Breakfast, I felt inspired to post in this ole thing.

Don't ask why. If I was aware of how my cognitive thought processes functioned, I wouldn't be sitting around here typing insipid drivel. I'd be out their doing something worthwhile.

...

*insert deep cynical laughter here*

...

So... What to tell you?

Um... My room's been improved upon. My massive Muse poster is up, as well as a few lesser ones. Momma's velcro-ing technique was okay, but things were misplaced and in an attempt to move them, I got pulled paint off the wall and got a bit stressed out.

Cue Momma's now-instantaneous derisive insult reflexes. So I went downstairs to get out of her way, have a bit of a cry and go back up to finish up and get her out of my room.

I've begun to realize that she's never been the wonder that I've always thought her to be... She was merely the lesser of two evils with more people to take shit out on. Come back Kris! All is forgiven!

(Not a bloody chance in hell)

Um... Yay for Muse's Brit. Best bit of the night, followed by T'Artics Costumed Acceptance Speeches, brightening up a bit of a damp squib of a night. I didn't know whether to laugh or sneer at Joss Stone making a complete tit out of herself, so I did both. And Keith Allen seems to have destroyed any credibility for himself with that Embarrassing Dad(TM) speech... Not that he had much left after Robin Hood.

Ashley Jensen was pretty darn good on the Friday Night project, although the whole thing did seem a bit more subdued than normal. Nice to know Fur-Face isn't as funny as he likes to make out.

And I must say the image of Beth Ditto, the big, fat lesbian lead singer of the Gossip kissing her bingo-biceps and shouting "Watch out Kate, Momma's coming" in an authentic southern accent will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Heroes is starting tonight on Sci-Fi... Anybody with terrestrial, it'll be on the Beeb around the time of Doctor Who, so make sure to look out for it. I've watched at US Pace courtesy of the net, and it is pretty good. Like X-Men, sans Spandex and Heavy Leather Costumes.

I must stop talking about TV... Must go start battening down the hatches before the storm gets in...

And before you ask: Nope... Nothing Meteorological...

My darling sister is back from Bradford to do washing.

Although the joke's on her, Momma's away on a training course for three days and she'll have to do it herself! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Downside: She'll be snapping about my heels, and with limited rations too. She had the decency to inform us Sunday afternoon, AFTER the shops had shut, that she was making the journey.

*promptly drops everything*

Talk to y'all soon.

- J.

The First of Few... Considering my Reputation...

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 03:51:58 GMT

Why on earth do I do these things at such strange times?

I'm sat at my laptop at quarter to four in the morning... Making a livejournal... Why? Because I'm silly like that...

Today we had a lovely visit from Mr and Mrs Hat, all the way from Leicester... Although ulterior motives were involved (King Maz... *rolls eyes*) it was really nice to see them. Although once again I think they got it a bit rough. Wanting to come down and treat momma with a meal out of the house and having to order in instead because the visit coincided with presence of Dad...

At least I got them to play with the Wii for a bit... Hehehe... I'm glad Kris enjoyed WarioWare. I think I might have started the conversion process. :P

But still, hopefully I can drag Mother up at some point to help them with the kitchen plans, and they can have some good quality time with her then, and then they'll have someone else to eat them out of emergency rations... Hah...

Anyway... I best go get myself sorted elsewhere...

Ta ra a bit...

- Johnny